Forming a Habit: Day 5

"Fate decides who walks into your life. You decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."

Anonymous

This afternoon I drove down a beautiful tree-lined street in my hometown of Coral Gables, and I was actually taken aback by how beautiful it was. I slowed down to a crawl and my eyes readjusted to focus on the arc in the tree branches, the way the leaves met and intertwined in a sort of embrace above the small street and my imposing car. The sunlight at that hour of the morning is awe inspiring, small rays of sunshine peeking through the small pockets left by the intimate embrace of the leaves. They seem to hold onto each other, not for safety but out of necessity. As if one tree could not live without the other. They have grown together. They share a life, a common destiny: to grow together and with each other, to support one another and weather the storms of life.

There are people in my life I am not willing to let go. As a friend, I am constant and true, devoted and loving, and like the trees, supportive. It amazes me to see how some people live their lives without the love of a good friend. A real friend. A lifelong friend. There are people in my life who have been my friends since we were in pre-school, others from elementary school, and yes, there are always new friends from each new phase in life, but I am so proud to stand beside my oldest friends and have them stand beside me, like the trees, weathering life's storms.

My mother passed away when I was 13 and I still remember the faces of my friends half-smiling at me at her service. They supported me, loved me and helped me to continue to grow. I am still learning from them and their courage. At that age, I don't know that I would have been able to support anyone in that situation, much less know how to do so. They are forever locked in my hearts for the love they gave me, and continue to give me, unconditionally each and every day. We have lived through difficult times. Age has no bearing on the tragedies that may befall each person, but we have all survived, in no small part due to the love and support of our friends.

The trees along the street reminded me of that today. How the strongest of storms, the wildest of weather can beat down on them, cut them down in places and create new life to spring in others, but it rarely keeps them down. They support each other, grow towards each other, and need each other the same way friends do. There are people I will not let go of and no amount of convincing will change me. Sometimes I am the one who has to extend the branches a little further and offer my hand as a reminder that no matter what, we are in this together. It doesn't matter if I extend my hand more than they do, we love each other, and that union cannot be broken, no matter how hard someone else blows.

Forming a Habit: Day 5

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."

Ernest Hemingway

Well, thank God! I was beginning to worry. I have been skipping days, I know. I don't need to be reminded. There is a lack of inspiration that I can't seem to get past. The usual joy I feel at finding a quote that speaks to me has been lost. Or maybe it's just been hiding. Wherever it is, it's certainly not here.

There is always so much joy when I have something to say. I am at peace when there are words spilling out of me. It is the only time I feel I am myself. Most days I am a mother and a wife and a friend. I do not act like those things, I am those things. They constantly take up my thoughts. I have cleaning and cooking and homework and volunteering and sports. There is always something bigger than my writing occupying my time. I know it's all my fault, I asked for this. I chose to be a mom and stay home with the kids, knowing it would be difficult. But that doesn't mean I can't complain. As a mom, the one thing you want more than anything is for your kid's first word to be "Mama." And then, you wish they had never learned it. The incessant repetition of the word seeps all joy from it. And when there are three of them yelling it at the same time...

Ok, enough complaining. The point of all of this is that we are fed this idea that becoming a wife and a mother and a friend will bring you constant joy. The truth is, it brings joy, but it's not constant. Life is never constantly one thing in particular. Trust me, I am happy to be surrounded by the people I love. Sometimes I wish it were limited to them and did not also include those who love me. You do realize the lists sometimes differ. And then there are moments when I wish I could be alone, surrounded by nothing but the sound of the sea. To open my eyes and see the ocean meeting the sky and no one I know around me is a dream. Occasionally, dreams come true. And lately I have been having some doozies. But the idea remains, it would bring insurmountable joy to have prolonged moments of peace, moments of joy brought on by writing. And perhaps the fact that I am not always joyful proves that I am more intelligent than I thought. A girl can dream, can't she?

Forming a Habit: Day 4

"War must be, while we defend our lives against a destroyer who would devour all; but I do not love the bright sword for it's sharpness, nor the arrow for it's swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend."

J.R.R. Tolkien The Two Towers

Today is September 11th. A date that for most of the world will live in infamy. It is a constant reminder of what human beings are capable of. Both the good and the bad. How appropriate that in looking for a quote today, I found one I felt summed up my feelings perfectly, and it comes from a book called The Two Towers. The only words I could come up with on my own to sum up and do justice to the memory of today were "thank you."

Ten years ago today, I was in bed asleep with my one year old dreaming peacefully beside me. The phone rang and my brother-in-law said "Turn on the TV. It's the end of the world." I thought he was calling to bother me, and after some convincing, I turned on the TV to see that he was essentially right. Both towers had fallen by the time I tuned in. People were being rescued and others were simply staring in disbelief. It looked like something out of a movie. Being in Miami, it was impossible to imagine how real it all was. I was in awe because I never thought for a moment that something like this was possible. There are people in the world who are cruel enough to mastermind this kind of act. Much like the shock I felt learning about the Holocaust, it is difficult to believe that one man can cause so many minds to follow his into a place of war and murder and destruction. Even more amazing is the ability of the people in thisnation to stand united and survive after something so horrific.

I say thank you to the brave men, women, and children on the planes that were used as weapons; thank you to the brave men and women who helped each other out of the buildings in time; thank you to the families of those who did not; thank you to the firefighters, police officers, and civilians who risked everything to help others; thank you for always reminding the rest of us that hope will remain no matter what is taken from us. We are the United States of America and in order to persevere we must always remember to remain just that, united.

Forming a Habit: Day 3

"I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as the tangle with human emotions."

James A. Michener

Today's quote is brought to you by another of my favorite sites: Goodreads.com. As a reader, I highly recommend this site. It is like Facebook for the soul. Sharing my love of reading with my friends is amazing. Having a place to compare reviews and comment on each other's progress, push each other to finish a book, or encourage each other to try a new genre is amazing. The site also offers a place to add your favorite quotes from books and save them to your account. This one was added by someone else, but I loved it the moment I read it. I felt it. I know exactly what it means.

Writing is not simply putting pen to paper, or fingertips to keys, and writing full sentences. Writing involves so much more. All of the senses should be involved, the words should flow like a river. I am currently reading a book by Danielle Steel. I had never read her work before and the book was a birthday gift, so I figured I would give it a try. I cannot understand the draw. Her writing is very repetitive. Very frank. It's not flowery or descriptive. It is not subtle and romantic. Maybe it explains emotions, but it doesn't show them to the reader. She only tells you what it feels like, she never allows you to feel it for yourself. This is challenging as a writer, to give their reader a sense that they belong to the story. A good writer, in my very humble opinion, wraps the reader up in the character so much so that the reader feels their pain, their anxiousness, their joy. And this is the beauty of what Mr. Michener is describing. It is a mingling of emotions with the words that creates the ability to feel those emotions as the reader, and as the writer as well.

I write to free the sorrow in my soul. I write to share the joy in my heart. I write to give of myself and to see my words in front of me, bleeding on the sheet as though they were my life poured out of me. In the end, I suppose that they are exactly that, my life poured out. I hope someday to write all of the stories that live inside my head. For now, this is a start. Getting myself to write each day, to be excited about writing every day, making time to do it every day, this is better than I could have imagined. Soon I will share my writing on here, and hope someone out there is reading it and will tell me what they think. For now, just saying what I think will be enough.

Forming a Habit: Day 2

"Es tan corto el amor y tan largo el olvido."

- Love is so short and forgetting is so long.

Pablo Neruda "Tonight I Can Write" (Puedo Escribir), from Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair [Veinte Poemas de Amor y una Canción Desesperada] (1924), XX, trans. William Merwin [Penguin Classics, 1993, ISBN 0-140-18648-4] (p. 51)

"Quiero hacer contigo lo que la primavera hace con los cerezos."

- I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees.

Pablo Neruda "Every Day You Play" (Juegas Todos las Días), from Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair [Veinte Poemas de Amor y una Canción Desesperada] (1924), XIV, trans. William Merwin [Penguin Classics, 1993,ISBN 0-140-18648-4] (p. 35)

I have fallen in love. A deep, soul-captivating, heart pounding, brain-tingling love. I don't know how I allowed all of these years of bilingual immersion education to pass without once coming across the work of Pablo Neruda. His name is more than familiar. I know who he is. But his work is completely foreign to me. And, yet, it is me. I now find it completely unacceptable that anyone live their life without Neruda's work being a part of it. This man and I would have been friends. Of this I am certain. He knows the thoughts of my heart, even the best kept ones. I am desperate now to own all of his works, in Spanish of course, because the Spanish language can do things to words that most people have never even dreamed of.

Poetry, imagery, metaphors; these things are sadly lacking when written in English. The English language simply does not have the capacity for beauty that Spanish can provide. In Spanish, each word has multiple meanings. But these meanings are colorful, and strong, and peaceful, and kind. Each word can be anything it dreams of being, can make the reader literally feel it's emotion, can paint a picture so vivid that the flower petals brush against your skin and you can sense it. So, imagine, if these excerpts speak so clearly and fluently and beautifully in English, imagine what they must be like in a language that can paint with unknown colors and sing at unheard pitches.

I realize that considering my degree in English, I should be less focused on Spanish. However, I studied the language of my heritage for 9 years in school. I wrote several poems in Spanish and always find it welcomes me when I choose to use it's vast resources. I studied English because I am more comfortable in the language, I was born into it, and grew up with it. It is more challenging to write well in English because the language does not offer so many options. Even writing this entry at times leaves me stopped, wondering what the perfect word would be, or how to best phrase my jumbled thoughts. Perhaps these quotes will inspire more than one day's worth of writing. I can't wait to find out.

Forming a habit: Day 1

"It's impossible," said Pride.

"It's risky," said Experience.

"It's pointless," said Reason.

"Give it a try," whispered the Heart.

So here goes, I'll give it a try.

This particular "conversation" was found online, at my new favorite site, Pinterest. It is a wonderful virtual pin board, and if you aren't already addicted, please feel free to skip the rest of this post and join (but then come back). Of course, as with most online finds, the original source is never properly credited, but I will say it was not mine. Despite this, it is today's inspiration. Small excerpts, quotes, and even song lyrics often leave a mark and make me think. They are sometimes the spark the ignites the fire allowing it to burn through my mind and create something new.

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, 21 days of repetition will form a habit. So, today is day 1. Each day I will choose a quote and write about it and what it might inspire. It's a little like cheating, sure, but at least it will get the metaphorical juices flowing.

Today's quote is perfect for Day 1 of habit forming. It is very much like the conversation that often goes on inside my head. And let's face it, sometimes the conversation goes on outside my head too. Sure, talking to yourself might make people think you're crazy, but I don't answer myself. That part happens inside my head. Duh. But, back to it. This "conversation" is had in my house on a daily basis. It's centered around fear. I have always had a fear of failure, and because of it, I have rarely attempted anything worthwhile. And oh, how wrong I have been. There are so many things I have missed, so many chances I was afraid to take, so many words I simply haven't said...the list is endless. And while I always fall back on trusty "everything happens for a reason" (also anonymous at this point), I know that, ultimately, that reason is me. It's not God interceding or fate keeping me on the right path, it's my fear carving out it's own path. And while I would never go back and change anything (we've all seen the movies and heard the warnings about the dangers of changing the past) I might, nay, WILL, in future, listen to the whispers of the heart and try something new. Because it's never too late. And one never knows what amazing, soul-altering moments might take place if we only allow them to become a part of us. And if it changes me, then maybe I needed some change. And if others don't like it or disapprove, then let them sulk. They are just jealous of my bravery. Frankly, whether that's true or not (and those conversations I have that are more out loud than in my head will debate this) is inconsequential. What matters is that I believe it. So throw caution to the wind and as it blows by, listen to the whispers of the heart being carried along with it.

Clearly, I am not cut out for blogging. Remembering to write a post, amidst all of the other things I do all day, is nearly impossible for me. I recently read somewhere that it takes 21 days of repetition for something to become a habit. Perhaps, I should add this to my list of habits to acquire. Walking is first on the list for now, but writing should always be first I suppose.

As I walk, I often write in my head. The problem with this of course is that with my terrible memory, unless I repeat over and over the thoughts I've had during my walk, I will forget them once I get home. Occasionally I become very insightful. I think deep thoughts and they sound like quotable masterpieces. Again, I forget what I wrote. A friend of mine recently posted to her Facebook page "Love is not what gets you through the day. It's the passion, the fire, the need, the desire that wakes you up and creates a want for tomorrow." She left it without a source, and it sounded so familiar to me. I considered it for most of the day until it dawned on me: I wrote that!! As one might expect, the journal in which I originally noted that has gone missing. Along with a lot of the other things I wrote myself. I often have a small moment of inspiration, and lovely thoughts come pouring out, if only I could remember to write them down! So the lesson for the day is to write everything down, and then share it here. This way, I can't lose it. And best of all, someone can tell me what they think.

Eventhough this is a short post, and one with little "umph," I'm leaving you with something from the book I hope to complete. Please tell me wht you think.

"I want to marry you," he whispered lightly into her ear. "I want to spend the rest of my life loving you. Because wheher you say yes or no, that's what I'll be doing. I'd just rather do it in your arms."